I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
