I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
