i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
