I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Screwed.edu
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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