Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
