I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
