There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
