I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
