dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Boobs speak an international language.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
