ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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