i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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