We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
