there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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