I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
