fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
