would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
