i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My liver just had a heart attack.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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