Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
