I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
