I think i peed on brittanys purse
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
