Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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