so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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