Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
