Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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