you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
false alarm, still single
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