question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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