whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He kissed a someone with a penis
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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