Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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