life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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