i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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