I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Randomize
