I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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