If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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