All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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