i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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