Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
