living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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