I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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