If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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