I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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