so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
