ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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