New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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