if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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