Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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