insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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