Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
