I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
