Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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