I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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