gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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