I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Someone came in the potted fern
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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