Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
