My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
