I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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