This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
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Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
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I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me