Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
