I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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