I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
