is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
