Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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