why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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