This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
