PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
