You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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