What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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