I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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