where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
